


So Ready to Give

by roguefaerie (samidha)



Series: Calling Through Time [5]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Supernatural
Genre: Angel Vessel Sam Winchester, Backstory, Bottom Severus Snape, Canon Divergence - Post-Battle of Hogwarts, Evil Albus Dumbledore, M/M, Manipulative Albus Dumbledore, Mind Meld, Past Relationship(s), Protective Severus Snape, Psychic Abilities, Psychic Bond, References to canon character deaths, Severus Snape Lives, Sex Magic, Slytherin House, Wizarding Politics (Harry Potter), slytherin house politics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-13
Updated: 2019-04-13
Packaged: 2020-01-12 17:51:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18451583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/samidha/pseuds/roguefaerie
Summary: Severus dreams of Lily, and he and Sam finally talk about her. Sam opens up about Jess. With their cards finally on the table, they're back on the same page, and their connection remains.





	So Ready to Give

**Author's Note:**

  * For [masaothedog](https://archiveofourown.org/users/masaothedog/gifts), [halfbakedsnape](https://archiveofourown.org/users/halfbakedsnape/gifts).



> As always done with encouragement from the Snapedom, specifically masaothedog and halfbakedsnape. :)

Severus wakes with a jolt, letting out a sudden sob. He won’t ask for help, he won’t--

But the tears just keep coming, and then Sam hears him--whether with his ears or in his mind, Severus isn’t sure.

Severus feels small, lost, and raw. He wants to call for Sam, he does, but the moment he does he’ll have to--

“Severus?”

Severus can’t hold back anymore. “Sam...no…” he gets out between wracking sobs.

“Severus. Okay. Let it out. I’ve got you. I’m right here.”

“No...I can’t….”

“Ssh. Breathe.”

Severus does, and when his breathing calms a little he whispers, “Lily. I dreamed of Lily.”

“What kind of dream?” Sam asks, rubbing gently on Severus’ arm.

“She-- Dumbledore--”

“Oh,” Sam says softly. “You don’t have to, Severus, but. Maybe it’s time to...let it out.”

“In her memory, I must,” Severus says, resolute.

“I understand what you mean.”

“Sam. She was my best friend. It was...not always the best of situations. But she was my Muggle-born, ah… regular neighbor.”

“Mm? Go on, love, I’ve got you. Tell me the whole thing.”

“She--she died. She and I-- We got mixed up in different crowds. Although...much of it, I’d do it again. For the children. Of Slytherin, Sam, but I’m getting ahead of myself.”

“That’s normal. Just tell it the way you need to. Sev?”

“Mm?”

“Can I hold you?”

“Please…”

They curl around each other and Sam whispers, “Right here, right here.”

“It’s like the first night…”

“It hurts that much, huh?” Sam whispers.

“Yes. Yes, it does.”

“Tell me all of it, all that you can. Let it out, Sev.”

“She-- She met these kids, the Marauders. Not horrible on the surface, but, you know? Popular. Bullies. At least when it came to me. She resisted for a long time, but James Potter, he pressured her. I wouldn’t have dated her, Sam. I only wanted to be a--a friend, a support. The… When the Death Eaters got to us...it was more complicated. I...I went dark. There wasn’t a lot grounding me in in--not doing that. I’d tried to be a support for my House, because we were the only ones supporting each other. But we’re ambitious folk all the same, and I threw myself into my potions. Made myself useful.” Severus starts to shake. “I’m sorry. I’m getting ‘round to the point, I promise.”

Sam gets his arms more tightly around Severus.

“Wish we didn’t have to-- but I have to tell you, Sam. After....”

“Whatever you need, Severus.”

Severus nods. “It was a mess, Sam, and I thought I was lost. So when there was this smidgeon of kindness from Albus Dumbledore-- what I thought was kindness at the time-- I took it. He said that he believed in me. He said that he could see me breaking free. All around me, people I’d grown up with in my house, they were self-destructing, but Albus said he believed I could make it out. Out of the Death Eaters. Out of Voldemort’s clutches. He said he would support me. Sam… No one but my Mam had ever said anything like that to me before.”

Sam nodded. “No one. I know.”

“Yes. So I...took the bait. It was bait. I was in, hook, line, and sinker. That man, he’s always had plans that were too big for him. Plans he’d need to rope others into. It’s his way. He was always so lost in his own power game”

“I see.”

“He said I could have the protection of the castle. A job teaching Potions, which is my first love, Sam, my cauldrons… He said-- He said that it would have to be believable, Sam, that someone like me could be reformed and safe among the children.” Severus nearly choked on the words. “That’s all I had ever tried to be. And I was insulted. But now, now I was in this man’s plan, his scheme, almost like he’d set it up this way from the beginning. Make Slytherin desperate. Of course they would turn into a desperate but ambitious mess in the right state of deprivation. Wanting to prove themselves to anyone after being _abandoned in a bloody dungeon_! You've seen it

Then.... Lavish attention on a few-- Well, it doesn’t matter. Make the Death Eaters, then ‘save’ the Death Eaters, but if it happened, that was just...a side effect that would look good. I would be a figurehead for his success-- Am I making sense?”

“I think I’m following,” Sam says.

“He said-- Sam-- Lily died in the first war, and I couldn’t stop it, and we’d grown apart and I do blame James Potter… but Sam, I was never in love with her, I was never allowed to be in love with anyone. That wouldn’t matter. I was never a straight man, Sam, and Albus knew this.”

“Severus…”

“He said that the entire story of my redemption… would be believable….if… if I…made it seem like more. She was my best friend, Sam, and she _knew_ that's what it was but she was also dead. So many of them were dead. I was left. To carry her memory, but in this most twisted way and I… It took until I thought Voldemort would take me in the morning… It took… finding you… these freak occurrences, I mean there is no way I could know--about the portrait, that anyone was coming for me. There was no way I could know.”

“No,” Sam said. “There wasn’t.”

“I was going to self-destruct. He knew that I was self-hating, he knew that I had a _conscience_ and he used that _to his own ends_.

“Yeah. I’ve known some...things like that in my time. Oh, Severus.”

“My magic, my sex magic, it came out of desperation and…”

“Sssh. Sev. Alright, love, we’ll find the way. How is it feeling now?”

“Better,” Severus says, with wonder in his voice, “Does he have less of a hold?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know.”

“But… but I miss her, Sam.” And then all the strength is gone from his face. “It was horrible and I still miss her. We even had the same Patr-- My protective symbol… She wanted the same one, she told me I made her feel that safe… That’s exactly why they had so much bloody fun breaking me, Sam, and now this…”

Sam winces. “Sev…”

“I’m sorry. That was almost cruel of me.”

“We promised each other we’d find the balance, and we will. Just tell me… Tell me for now it’s all right for you to stay and heal. I’ll do whatever you need, Severus. You’re like me, we’re like each other. And even Dean, this time… Please tell me you’ll give us a fighting chance…”

Severus lets out a breath and then reaches for Sam’s hand. He brings it to rest on the anti-possession tattoo lovingly and painstakingly inked into his skin by Sam. “Sam. You had me the very first night. I’d do--and I will do--anything. For this kind of love. It’s just you need to know, I’m damaged, and--”

“Severus...I am too, I am too, but we have each other.”

“I miss her. It was so sick, the way we were pawns in their--his--Sam, it hurts.”

“I know. I know, love, I know. Let me...let me show you how I can help?” Sam asks.

“Don’t let me go.”

“I won’t.”

*~*~*

That night is long and miserable, and neither of them want to invoke Severus’ magic. They both know there’s more to be said. But only so much can see the light of day at once, and they are no strangers to that.

Sam opens his mouth and closes it half a dozen times, and finally Severus falls back into a fitful sleep, his hand gripping Sam’s tightly.

Still, there’s less and less reason to hold back now.

“Severus,” Sam says tiredly as he wakes again, “Can I tell you something? Please?”

Severus stiffens for just long enough as he asks, “Is it too much? Do you want to send me back?”

“Sev. No. The portrait isn’t a threat. Maybe one day...you could...use it without fear, but I’d never…”

Severus takes a deep breath and nods. “All right. Then… then anything you’d like to say.

“Severus. It’s. This is maybe a little embarrassing more than it is serious but… I’ve um, had my own tangle with… Uh, fate, and uh, Dean, you know, Dean’s, uh…”

Severus cracks a smile. “Ah, yes.”

“He’s encouraged me to see women and uh. There’s been mixed results.”

“Mixed?”

“Well. I’ve seen a woman seriously. I thought we would get married. I… No one was… stopping me and...Severus, I’m sorry. This must be painful for you.”

“I’m glad you were allowed happiness, Sam.”

“But she died. She was taken. Honestly, Sev, I let it happen. I wasn’t honest with her, and I didn’t protect her. I told her everything would be alright.”

“It wasn’t. It rarely is,” Severus said drily.

“You’re right. It rarely is. So we have this respite here, Severus, and this is...some of the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. You light me up inside and Dean… Dean’s doing good too. I want us to stay...together. But I know…. If it’s weird for you that I’ve…”

“Did you love her?”

“I, uh. As a person. As an idea.”

Severus nods. “And now?”

“And now...I feel safe, you feel safe. Please...”

“Sam Winchester. I wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating crackers, much less...having happiness.”

“Well. It was happy, yeah. But her death is my fault.”

“Oh, how I remember that feeling.”

Sam ducks his eyes away.

“Sam. I’m here, and I’m here to stay. With you. There isn’t anything that would make me go.”

“Can I…?” Sam reaches out again and rests his fingers on Severus’ anti-possession tattoo again.

“I’m right here.”

*~*~*

They stay curled up together, touching each other gingerly to avoid flares of Severus’ magic. They are spent and recovering. But as the next morning comes, he does ask:

“Is it too much? Or is it why you’re...here with me?”

“Severus. No.”

“I know sometimes we don’t want… And I don’t know… if people are with me because…”

“I’m here because what we have is something special. We have an understanding. If you have sex magic, then we have a way to use it _wisely_. We’re equals. We have common ground. And uh…” Sam smiles tiredly. “Yes, it’s a nice bonus. And we do have to be careful. But we’ll make it--as a couple--regardless.” He lowers his voice. “Severus. You see my light. And you didn’t let Dean lose sight of it. I could imagine how this could have gone. You saved my life.”

“And you saved mine.”

“And that’s enough. It has to be.”

Severus blushes. “But Sam… After all that… can we still… are you ready? I’m… I’m r-ready. If you…”

“Angel…”

“Mm?”

“Ready. Just...just we might need to go slow. I don’t want any more tears, Sev. We’re okay.”

“We’re okay.”

*~*~*

Severus lets his hands rest gently on Sam’s chest, and then with more pressure. Sam bucks under his touch and lets out a long, low moan. Their bodies fold together and they both let themselves be overtaken by the waves of pleasure. Severus lets go, unable to keep hold of the power without leaning into Sam’s touch. 

Each physical touch grounds the bond further, and they stay gentle because that’s all they need to ride the waves as they crest and fall.

Light fills the room again and Severus drinks of it, lost in sensation. Receiving something back is still so new to him and he feels the steady pulse of Sam’s love on each wave. He lets himself feel it.

Two people, so ready to give they can get lost in it.


End file.
